getting spiritualized

my parents are downstairs watching who will become the next american idol, and i can't help but stay pinned up in my room gettin' spiritualized. if you haven't heard it yet go by spiritualized's myspace and listen to the new album that is supposed to come out sometime this summer. in my opinion i think it could possibly be the best thing i have heard this year. go somewhere quiet and secluded and listen to this album straight through with no interruptions. borrowing a statement from a dear friend (ian) it is summer, i know you have time to listen to one album without distraction.

http://www.myspace.com/spiritualized

supplies

yesterday my father was kind enough to leave his truck with me for a day. i woke up and went into town to prepare for a month of social hibernation. these are the supplies that will hold me over:

juno

into the wild

on the road by jack kerouac 

the complete works of vincent van gogh

i am sorry dear friend for the hurt i have caused. 

i don't know if you read this.

find peace in Him.

i was waiting for the mother hen to gather me

i was just on my way back from the student center, when i saw a mother duck scurrying along with about 8 chicks following closely behind. i followed them for a ways. as i took my time behind them the mother quickened her pace and the little ones struggled to muster enough energy  to keep up. i couldn't help but smile. the chicks were still quite young, and weren't very coordinated. they all were stumbling clumsily along behind their mom. finally i stopped and the mother stopped with all of her children just outside my reach. when she stopped the little ones almost instantly fell on their tuckered out tummies. 

i grinned for a while and then turned and went on my way. on my walk to the dorm i couldn't help but reflect on this same kind of love that G-d shares with us. i find it interesting that one of the only places G-d is described with female attributes is in matthew. G-d is described as a mother hen who is there to protect her children under her wing. it was neat to see those little clumsy chicks crashing about behind their mother. that is often me, there i am walking in line with G-d, then a little pebble or crevice causes me to stumble. just as the little chicks, my response is to get up and quickly scurry back in line behind G-d. 

it is also neat to reflect on the idea that sometimes, as those clumsy unintelligent little chicks, we don't understand why G-d doesn't give us rest in the hustle and bustle of our lives. perhaps it is to protect us from the things that we are too small to understand. but in the end, when we are out of harms way, we get that much needed rest, and it is good to rest easy under Her wings.

 

mr. berrian. less please.

less of my beliefs.

more of You.

i need to record some jams

last night i took my guys to the hot springs. i know i tend to write about hot springs a lot, but honestly every time i go out there i experience something new. often times people bash on the fundamentalist idea of spiritual retreats, but i find them to be wonderful and much needed. the hot springs are probably the closest thing i have ever experienced to a spiritual retreat. perhaps it is the location, the scenery, and proximity to the city. when i am there i am so far out that i can't get cell phone reception or even consider seeing the lights of the city. it is wonderful to resort back to the simple life. (even though it does require a car to get out there). 

the springs are just a reminder of how small and insignificant my problems are. the "problems" that i worry about, are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and i guess it is the combination of the vastness of the night sky, the grand mountain scape, and distance from my troubles that evoke this feeling.

every time i go i am also reminded of another past event, that i would rather forget at times, but i can't help but laugh at it at the same time. again one of those problems that are insignificant now in hindsight. maybe someday that negative memory can be replaced with a positive memory...

maybe...

all praise be to G-d

motivation please

this spring weather is really unhealthy for students. i have had a time trying to get motivated enough to come inside and do work.

so kylee. wonderful show. must have felt great to see so many of your friends and loved ones come out and experience something that you put a ton of time and effort in. not to mention you probably felt vulnerable putting your work out there to be judged, especially when you know how much time you put in. i know i would be.

yesterday i watched stanley kubrick's adaptation to the novel lolita, i thought it was wonderful. it was one of those films that you feel you should be disgusted afterwards, however you can't help but sympathize with what our society deems as the antagonist. wonderful screenplay. the characters were believable. i feel it is one of his greater works and unfortunately for whatever reason has been overlooked.

many late nights recently, but for some reason i always seem to wake up with a smile on my face.

life has been slow, but sweet to me for the last couple of weeks. 

i have been trying to warm a cold heart the last few days.

more scripture.

more understanding.

more patience.

more forgiveness.

o. o. and...

looking forward to the art exhibit of a lifetime wednesday evening.

continued learning

the last few weeks i have been incredibly blessed by meeting a number of incredibly friendly people. i was telling someone last night, since i have moved out west i have been very lucky in meeting many incredibly genuine people. as i drove west, it was as if people got progressively friendlier in the gas stations and at other stops i made. 

but more recently i have met a number of new bright faces through kylee pearson. on sunday evening i had the privilege of baby sitting three beautiful children with her, so two couples could go see vampire weekend and yacht live. both couples were incredibly friendly and gentle and loving. this reflected in how they brought up their children. one of the boys was potty training and he "spilled" while he was on the toilet. i told him i would clean it up for him, but all he could say was that he was nervous his parents would be mad at his mistake. later in the evening when i was tucking him in for the night he explained that he felt he needed to tell his mother and father about his accident. he is four years old. at that age i would have just hoped my parents didn't find my mistake. i think it is wonderful that he felt he could be honest with his parents about his mistake.

i have a lot to learn from this young one. often in my life i live as if i can hide my sins from  G-d, when the truth is, i should acknowledge my mistakes and look towards correcting them.

ok i am getting really unorganized. i started this post talking about friendly people and started talking about forgiveness. 

so if you think about it sometime soon. meditate on both.

my apologies for lack of organization.

alleulia

the coast

yesterday held much excitement for our group of traveling friends. the entire day was almost dreamlike. we left the hustle and bustle of the portland streets and made our way to the dense woods. as we were driving through the mountains, shafts of light fell through the tall evergreen trees, which my eyes have missed dearly. we would drive and see some rain, then sun, then repeat.

when we got to where we would be staying there was a sense of excitement amongst the group as we all grew anxious to see the coast. for some of us (me) it would be there first time. we began to hike to the coast and as we came to the dunes jerad, evan, phil, and i could no longer contain ourselves. we ran up and down the dunes hooping and hollering as if we had just been set free after years of imprisonment. when we crested the last dune and our eyes saw the coast we all grew silent for a moment. we took in the immensity of the roaring ocean. then we continued with our childlike excitement.

that moment was wonderful though. that moment when we were feeding off of each other's excitement. the moment when the roaring monster took our breaths away. a moment i will propbably remember for the rest of my life.

thank You for:
a loving family
beautiful/caring friends
a place to rest my head

warm welcome

it is the second night of spring break. we just got back from the city tonight. i am incredibly content.

yesterday we got here safely and for this i am thankful. we didn't know where we were going to stay when we got here. jerad called up an ex-girlfriend and her parents decided to take in 6 strangers. this family has been truly wonderful. they gave us a some matresses and some warm quilts to sleep with. i am thankful for this, because the basement is really cold. i got to talking with the father of the household and found out that the house used to belong to a cultish church, and he has spent the last 10 years remodeling the old church into a home. the family then made us a huge breakfast this morning before we left for church. i am thankful and encouraged by this family. it is nice to know that there are still people out there willing to take in six strangers and show us Christ's love all the while.

more forgiveness. please.
thank You.

it aint me

"Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe."

-bob dylan-

many people may find this song to be incredibly harsh and cruel...i don't know maybe it is, but i can't help but agree with mr. dylan to an extent. i will never be able to provide complete hapiness in any young lady's heart. true hapiness can only be found in One that is greater than me. anything that i do that is good only comes from the One i serve. He is the source of all that is good and pure and blameless. so one day i hope to have a wife and children, but i can not promise either of them utter happiness; i can try, but i can't promise, because i can't give true peace or happiness, but i can point them in the right direction.

more patience. please.

officers, jams, and gusty winds

last night i had the chance to make it over to the senior boys house for a little jam session. it was nice for us all to get together again. as pertaining to my last post, i think we all had been caught up in different things, and have not really had the chance to be together and play music in a really long time.

i rode my bike over there at 11:30. as i am pulling up to the house i see a police cruiser outside. one cop got out and started walking towards the house, so i slowed down, because i did not have a light on my bike and i have already been pulled over once for this. so i snuck around the side of the house and as i approached the front door i noticed that there was two other police officers inside already. i was fianally directly behind them but they did not notice me. everyone was laughing inside, so i just let out a fake laugh so they would know i was there. then i walked by them and sat down on a couch. it was a strange feeling. they were all joking with us and making fun of evan for looking like wayne from wayne's world. i got there just a bit late, so i missed the part where the guys were able to play "the times are a changing" by bob dylan for the officers. they were kind and told us to turn down the amp and not play the drums. they were also just kind, i have not had a pleasant run in with an officer in a long time, so it was ensuring.

about a half hour later we stopped playing music and everyone started leaving. alex, andrew, matt, andrea, becca, and i were all just lounging around listenign to "the temptation of adam" by josh ritter. i noticed that matt was rifling through an american literature book. as the song came to the end he read us an excerpt from a poem by t.s. elliot. he explained that life is now. life are the moments we have right now with our friends. we need to hang on to those moments. life does not exist in the uncertain future. life exists in the love we have for others whether it be for a lover, a friend, a mother, or someone that does not share the love we have for them.

as i rode home in the harsh spring winds i felt light.

may He continue to teach us what unfailing love looks like.

nevermind our planmaking. lets start living.

i was told today to blog again. so here is something that has been on my heart.
maybe it is a prayer.

lately i have been way to caught up in myself. i have been tangled up in girl interests and other relations to the point that i have neglected a really important relationship with G-d. saturday evening after i hung out with a group of beautiful friends reed, kristy, kylee, and chris. afterwards i decided to take a walk. i had a lot on my mind. it seemed that all i have been working on the last few weeks toward relationships, and other future plans were not going as i had planned.

i was reminded how foolish it is of me to focus on my plans. my plans will never get me anywhere, just like my beliefs. so may i forget my plans and start living. may i abandon my beliefs and embrace a G-d of peace.

i am thankful for:
the many relationships He has blessed me with.
a loving family that i am able to communicate with even though there is a lot of land between us.
forgiveness
hope
mercy
grace
peace

may i continue to learn Your love. please.

nate

its a beautiful day

it is dinner time and my day has been extrordinary thus far. the day started out beautiful and sunny with a hint of wind. now it is dark and gloomy, but i feel wonderful. when i got out of class today i got up to my room to find a present from a kind friend, molly orias. she left me a brownie and a little note about our friendship. this was incredibly friendly and put me in a wonderful mood. i then hopped on youtube to watch the entire heima documentary that sigur ros produced. all day today they are going to stream this wonderful piece of art, so check it out if you have an hour and a half to spare.

that documentary put me in a wonderful mood. it was wonderful to see amazing artists travel back to their tiny beautiful homeland in iceland to try and seek solitude after touring the very large and busy world. the images and recordings were superb and left me with a grin on my face that i doubt i will be able to wipe off for the next couple of hours.

lets turn off our computers and go for a walk.
peace

shivering cosmos

i am discovering that modest mouse has strong roots in the moon and antarctica

Berny

so for those of you who know me, i have a little friend growing on my right cheek slightly under my eye. for a while i thought it was a boil, but i went to the doctor tonight and found out that it is a "seditious sist." so i have to make an apointment with a dermatologist tommorow to get it removed. hopefully by the end of the week. we'll see. so bye bye berny, you have worn out your welcome.

thanks kylee

tonight was truly a great evening. i was able to enjoy the company of kylee pearson for a night on the town. ms. pearson took me to some really neat places, some that i have overlooked, others that i didn't know existed. to start the evening off we went to this really petite coffee house, called veritas, in garden city and watched a few of her friends play some rather enjoyable music. there were some neat daniel johnston and wilco jams being played as well. and one of the performers daughters did one of the neatest dances i have seen in a while. i honestly watched her most of the show. i was secretly hoping that no one would catch me staring at her thinking i was a pedaphile. i just wanted to be able to dance like her, no worries, just dancing. if i ever perform live, i will dance a whole song imitating that little girl as best i can.

then we went to downtown and went for a small bite to eat at the red feather. this place is like a club from a movie. it was dimly lit, and had really neat lights. the vibe in the place was pretty interesting. i felt like i needed to be 21 to eat there, but i didn't...i don't think.

then to another small coffee shop that i didn't know about, but had this really delicious tea

so thank you kylee for a wonderful evening. and for being honest.

lower. lower.

today i went with a few friends to see a few refugees i met in the fall. these people were from burma, and for some reason that i can't figure out due to language barrier, were displaced in the united states. they do not desire to go home at all, they enjoy the united states, this was most notable by a photograph of two of them next to a cardboard cutout of president bush. i have been back to see them two other times before today, and jenna suggested that we go this weekend. this was a true blessing, because we foud out today that they are moving to florida on monday.

it is tough for me to say goodbye to this very mysterious family. though i only met with them four times, and knew very little about them, due to the language barrier, they still taught me a lot. they taught me hospitality, what it is to be thankful, and that the most important thing in life is being with those we love.

everytime i go there i am reminded of the overabundance of wealth i have. and everytime i leave i forget.

this is my prayer
forgive my selfishness
forgive my ignorance
may i not become fused to the "treasures" of this earth.
may i live to love
make me low!
alleluia

just relax

i have changed in a lot of ways this semester. i am practicing more self control in many ways, i am hanging out with new and different people, and i have been slightly more reserved. several people have asked if i am ok on several locations. i think a lot of people assume the reason i am more reserved these days stems from my recent breakup with inga, which may have some to do with it, but the truth is i am very content at the moment.

perhaps i am finding that not always being in the spotlight is rather enjoyable. it is nice to be on the sidelines in a lot of ways. so thank you truly for your concern, it just shows that my friends care about me and for this i am very grateful. i want to let everyone to know that as of now i am very content in thought and in just being a part of people in general.

more self control please

nate

rejoice

last night we went to the hot springs. every time i go into the wilderness i truly have a spiritual experience. it makes me remember how small i am.

we left the city lights at around 10. and i was praying that we would leave them faster. i couldn't wait until we lost cell phone service. we drove as fast as we could through the thick fog and didn't look back. when we got off the main road we let loose and swirved on the ice.

i love this freedom.

when we finally parked we had to hike up a donkey's trail until i saw a true oasis. the guys stripped into their boxers like adolescents preparing for their first physical. icy feet then melted to fire, but the sting felt great.

i looked up in the haze of the sky and saw a rather fulll moon crowned with a halo. i then looked at the stars and thought about how often people say, "look how far away they are." but i thought the opposite tonight. i felt as if i was in a plantetarium again.

then i looked straight forward at the beautiful painting laid before me. the shades of blue, purple, grey, white. a few hours later our finers had shrunk, and we made our way to the car. as we made our way towards cell phone service there was a subtle grown in the car.

so long nature

until we meet again. hats off

please. continue to make me low. amen amen

more blessings.

tonight i had the honor of going to a jewish synagogue. it was interesting, because i didn't understand a lot of their worship, because it was in hebrew, yet i felt G-d in way i never have. i am truly convinced that we can find G-d in religions other than Christianity. i was reading through some of the meditations in their worship book and felt true sincerity. it is a real shame, because i left my notebook at home, so i was unable to copy any of them for you to read, but they were a true blessing.

i did meet this really neat man afterwards who was very cultured and gave me a title to two movies that he insisted i watch, one was about st. francis.

open wide my door, my Lord, to whatever makes me love you more

may He continue to teach us in the most peculiar ways.

much praise

i am thankful for:
accountability.
newfound self-control.
brothers/sisters.
growing peace.
growing hair.
growing love.
growing patience.

may He continue to make me low.

more travels.

last night i met with four people that i am going to spend 9-10 weeks with this summer. i will admit i was a bit nervous, if they were annoying or something it could have been a really long trip. i really enjoyed getting to know them better though, and i am looking forward to traveling the northwest all of them.

i don't want to get too excited, but i think i might have found a telecaster in great shape that i might be able to own at a beautiful price. i have really enjoyed playing music lately. i am learning just to have a great time with it, and not to worry about being "great" or anything. last night the matt gilroy collective was together to sing a simple song he wrote about oranges and their trees. those guys are great, and i love playing/singing/making noise with them.

less travels. alleluia

finally my trip from hell comes to an end.most of you may know, but i traveled a total of twenty hours over break to get home, when it should have taken a routine six. to keep a long story short there was a series of delays that kept me practicing one of my resolutions, patience.
the rest of my resolutions are as follows:
no wal-mart
eat healthier when i have the choice.
respect women more
memorize the sermon on the mount

yesterday was really reassuring. i got everything done i needed to to get ready for classes, and i was able to catch up with many people i have dearly missed over break. one in particular came by my room in the evening and we were able to worship together through dialogue. we felt the holy spirit and it was great. i want to begin to listen to the little voice that i far too often silence with my selfishness.

in other news...
mewithoutYou just announced they would begin writing for a new album.
i might not listen to anything until it comes out. what an experience that would be eh?

may He continue to teach us patience and love.

inspired by ian's post today...sort of

top five bands of this winter break.

1. david bazan

2. microphones/mount eerie

3. wilco

4. neutral milk hotel

5. the faded tapes

laziness cuts me. like a fine cutlery

this entire break has been disapointing. not in meeting with others, but i have been dissapointed with myself. all i have done is nothing. i just sleep, eat, and watch movies. some might say, " well what is wrong with that?" everything is wrong with that. this life is too short to sleep it away, or spend it staring at a screen. i only touched a book once this break. there is a whole wealth of information out there far more interesting than my own apathy. not to mention helping others and interacting with others. i don't think tht there is anything better created by God for human joy than other humans and our interactions together. God has also created nature. for myself that is one of the only places i can go and still feel God. nature is so focused, disciplined, patient, and serene. i have been incredibly selfish this break...and most of my life.

may He have mercy on me and make me low

Finality

For those of you who don't know inga and i broke up at the beginning of Christmas break. It is really hard to explain why through cyber text, I would rather chat about it over a cup of tea.

Anyways. Today she left. Up until this point I was so sure, and still am, that we needed to take a break, but there is just something tough about finality. Last night we layed awake for most of the night explaining our fears. It was probably the most honest we have been with each other in a long time.

Today I had to help pack her car, change her oil, dust the snow off her car, and kiss her red nose one last time.

may He continue to have patience with me

dechristmasing

started taking down christmas decorations today.

my parents gave me their old digital camera, so pictures of life to come.

this is a lousy beginning.