getting spiritualized

my parents are downstairs watching who will become the next american idol, and i can't help but stay pinned up in my room gettin' spiritualized. if you haven't heard it yet go by spiritualized's myspace and listen to the new album that is supposed to come out sometime this summer. in my opinion i think it could possibly be the best thing i have heard this year. go somewhere quiet and secluded and listen to this album straight through with no interruptions. borrowing a statement from a dear friend (ian) it is summer, i know you have time to listen to one album without distraction.

http://www.myspace.com/spiritualized

supplies

yesterday my father was kind enough to leave his truck with me for a day. i woke up and went into town to prepare for a month of social hibernation. these are the supplies that will hold me over:

juno

into the wild

on the road by jack kerouac 

the complete works of vincent van gogh

i am sorry dear friend for the hurt i have caused. 

i don't know if you read this.

find peace in Him.

i was waiting for the mother hen to gather me

i was just on my way back from the student center, when i saw a mother duck scurrying along with about 8 chicks following closely behind. i followed them for a ways. as i took my time behind them the mother quickened her pace and the little ones struggled to muster enough energy  to keep up. i couldn't help but smile. the chicks were still quite young, and weren't very coordinated. they all were stumbling clumsily along behind their mom. finally i stopped and the mother stopped with all of her children just outside my reach. when she stopped the little ones almost instantly fell on their tuckered out tummies. 

i grinned for a while and then turned and went on my way. on my walk to the dorm i couldn't help but reflect on this same kind of love that G-d shares with us. i find it interesting that one of the only places G-d is described with female attributes is in matthew. G-d is described as a mother hen who is there to protect her children under her wing. it was neat to see those little clumsy chicks crashing about behind their mother. that is often me, there i am walking in line with G-d, then a little pebble or crevice causes me to stumble. just as the little chicks, my response is to get up and quickly scurry back in line behind G-d. 

it is also neat to reflect on the idea that sometimes, as those clumsy unintelligent little chicks, we don't understand why G-d doesn't give us rest in the hustle and bustle of our lives. perhaps it is to protect us from the things that we are too small to understand. but in the end, when we are out of harms way, we get that much needed rest, and it is good to rest easy under Her wings.

 

mr. berrian. less please.

less of my beliefs.

more of You.

i need to record some jams

last night i took my guys to the hot springs. i know i tend to write about hot springs a lot, but honestly every time i go out there i experience something new. often times people bash on the fundamentalist idea of spiritual retreats, but i find them to be wonderful and much needed. the hot springs are probably the closest thing i have ever experienced to a spiritual retreat. perhaps it is the location, the scenery, and proximity to the city. when i am there i am so far out that i can't get cell phone reception or even consider seeing the lights of the city. it is wonderful to resort back to the simple life. (even though it does require a car to get out there). 

the springs are just a reminder of how small and insignificant my problems are. the "problems" that i worry about, are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and i guess it is the combination of the vastness of the night sky, the grand mountain scape, and distance from my troubles that evoke this feeling.

every time i go i am also reminded of another past event, that i would rather forget at times, but i can't help but laugh at it at the same time. again one of those problems that are insignificant now in hindsight. maybe someday that negative memory can be replaced with a positive memory...

maybe...

all praise be to G-d

motivation please

this spring weather is really unhealthy for students. i have had a time trying to get motivated enough to come inside and do work.

so kylee. wonderful show. must have felt great to see so many of your friends and loved ones come out and experience something that you put a ton of time and effort in. not to mention you probably felt vulnerable putting your work out there to be judged, especially when you know how much time you put in. i know i would be.

yesterday i watched stanley kubrick's adaptation to the novel lolita, i thought it was wonderful. it was one of those films that you feel you should be disgusted afterwards, however you can't help but sympathize with what our society deems as the antagonist. wonderful screenplay. the characters were believable. i feel it is one of his greater works and unfortunately for whatever reason has been overlooked.

many late nights recently, but for some reason i always seem to wake up with a smile on my face.

life has been slow, but sweet to me for the last couple of weeks. 

i have been trying to warm a cold heart the last few days.

more scripture.

more understanding.

more patience.

more forgiveness.

o. o. and...

looking forward to the art exhibit of a lifetime wednesday evening.

continued learning

the last few weeks i have been incredibly blessed by meeting a number of incredibly friendly people. i was telling someone last night, since i have moved out west i have been very lucky in meeting many incredibly genuine people. as i drove west, it was as if people got progressively friendlier in the gas stations and at other stops i made. 

but more recently i have met a number of new bright faces through kylee pearson. on sunday evening i had the privilege of baby sitting three beautiful children with her, so two couples could go see vampire weekend and yacht live. both couples were incredibly friendly and gentle and loving. this reflected in how they brought up their children. one of the boys was potty training and he "spilled" while he was on the toilet. i told him i would clean it up for him, but all he could say was that he was nervous his parents would be mad at his mistake. later in the evening when i was tucking him in for the night he explained that he felt he needed to tell his mother and father about his accident. he is four years old. at that age i would have just hoped my parents didn't find my mistake. i think it is wonderful that he felt he could be honest with his parents about his mistake.

i have a lot to learn from this young one. often in my life i live as if i can hide my sins from  G-d, when the truth is, i should acknowledge my mistakes and look towards correcting them.

ok i am getting really unorganized. i started this post talking about friendly people and started talking about forgiveness. 

so if you think about it sometime soon. meditate on both.

my apologies for lack of organization.

alleulia

the coast

yesterday held much excitement for our group of traveling friends. the entire day was almost dreamlike. we left the hustle and bustle of the portland streets and made our way to the dense woods. as we were driving through the mountains, shafts of light fell through the tall evergreen trees, which my eyes have missed dearly. we would drive and see some rain, then sun, then repeat.

when we got to where we would be staying there was a sense of excitement amongst the group as we all grew anxious to see the coast. for some of us (me) it would be there first time. we began to hike to the coast and as we came to the dunes jerad, evan, phil, and i could no longer contain ourselves. we ran up and down the dunes hooping and hollering as if we had just been set free after years of imprisonment. when we crested the last dune and our eyes saw the coast we all grew silent for a moment. we took in the immensity of the roaring ocean. then we continued with our childlike excitement.

that moment was wonderful though. that moment when we were feeding off of each other's excitement. the moment when the roaring monster took our breaths away. a moment i will propbably remember for the rest of my life.

thank You for:
a loving family
beautiful/caring friends
a place to rest my head

warm welcome

it is the second night of spring break. we just got back from the city tonight. i am incredibly content.

yesterday we got here safely and for this i am thankful. we didn't know where we were going to stay when we got here. jerad called up an ex-girlfriend and her parents decided to take in 6 strangers. this family has been truly wonderful. they gave us a some matresses and some warm quilts to sleep with. i am thankful for this, because the basement is really cold. i got to talking with the father of the household and found out that the house used to belong to a cultish church, and he has spent the last 10 years remodeling the old church into a home. the family then made us a huge breakfast this morning before we left for church. i am thankful and encouraged by this family. it is nice to know that there are still people out there willing to take in six strangers and show us Christ's love all the while.

more forgiveness. please.
thank You.

it aint me

"Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe."

-bob dylan-

many people may find this song to be incredibly harsh and cruel...i don't know maybe it is, but i can't help but agree with mr. dylan to an extent. i will never be able to provide complete hapiness in any young lady's heart. true hapiness can only be found in One that is greater than me. anything that i do that is good only comes from the One i serve. He is the source of all that is good and pure and blameless. so one day i hope to have a wife and children, but i can not promise either of them utter happiness; i can try, but i can't promise, because i can't give true peace or happiness, but i can point them in the right direction.

more patience. please.

officers, jams, and gusty winds

last night i had the chance to make it over to the senior boys house for a little jam session. it was nice for us all to get together again. as pertaining to my last post, i think we all had been caught up in different things, and have not really had the chance to be together and play music in a really long time.

i rode my bike over there at 11:30. as i am pulling up to the house i see a police cruiser outside. one cop got out and started walking towards the house, so i slowed down, because i did not have a light on my bike and i have already been pulled over once for this. so i snuck around the side of the house and as i approached the front door i noticed that there was two other police officers inside already. i was fianally directly behind them but they did not notice me. everyone was laughing inside, so i just let out a fake laugh so they would know i was there. then i walked by them and sat down on a couch. it was a strange feeling. they were all joking with us and making fun of evan for looking like wayne from wayne's world. i got there just a bit late, so i missed the part where the guys were able to play "the times are a changing" by bob dylan for the officers. they were kind and told us to turn down the amp and not play the drums. they were also just kind, i have not had a pleasant run in with an officer in a long time, so it was ensuring.

about a half hour later we stopped playing music and everyone started leaving. alex, andrew, matt, andrea, becca, and i were all just lounging around listenign to "the temptation of adam" by josh ritter. i noticed that matt was rifling through an american literature book. as the song came to the end he read us an excerpt from a poem by t.s. elliot. he explained that life is now. life are the moments we have right now with our friends. we need to hang on to those moments. life does not exist in the uncertain future. life exists in the love we have for others whether it be for a lover, a friend, a mother, or someone that does not share the love we have for them.

as i rode home in the harsh spring winds i felt light.

may He continue to teach us what unfailing love looks like.

nevermind our planmaking. lets start living.

i was told today to blog again. so here is something that has been on my heart.
maybe it is a prayer.

lately i have been way to caught up in myself. i have been tangled up in girl interests and other relations to the point that i have neglected a really important relationship with G-d. saturday evening after i hung out with a group of beautiful friends reed, kristy, kylee, and chris. afterwards i decided to take a walk. i had a lot on my mind. it seemed that all i have been working on the last few weeks toward relationships, and other future plans were not going as i had planned.

i was reminded how foolish it is of me to focus on my plans. my plans will never get me anywhere, just like my beliefs. so may i forget my plans and start living. may i abandon my beliefs and embrace a G-d of peace.

i am thankful for:
the many relationships He has blessed me with.
a loving family that i am able to communicate with even though there is a lot of land between us.
forgiveness
hope
mercy
grace
peace

may i continue to learn Your love. please.

nate

its a beautiful day

it is dinner time and my day has been extrordinary thus far. the day started out beautiful and sunny with a hint of wind. now it is dark and gloomy, but i feel wonderful. when i got out of class today i got up to my room to find a present from a kind friend, molly orias. she left me a brownie and a little note about our friendship. this was incredibly friendly and put me in a wonderful mood. i then hopped on youtube to watch the entire heima documentary that sigur ros produced. all day today they are going to stream this wonderful piece of art, so check it out if you have an hour and a half to spare.

that documentary put me in a wonderful mood. it was wonderful to see amazing artists travel back to their tiny beautiful homeland in iceland to try and seek solitude after touring the very large and busy world. the images and recordings were superb and left me with a grin on my face that i doubt i will be able to wipe off for the next couple of hours.

lets turn off our computers and go for a walk.
peace

shivering cosmos

i am discovering that modest mouse has strong roots in the moon and antarctica

Berny

so for those of you who know me, i have a little friend growing on my right cheek slightly under my eye. for a while i thought it was a boil, but i went to the doctor tonight and found out that it is a "seditious sist." so i have to make an apointment with a dermatologist tommorow to get it removed. hopefully by the end of the week. we'll see. so bye bye berny, you have worn out your welcome.

thanks kylee

tonight was truly a great evening. i was able to enjoy the company of kylee pearson for a night on the town. ms. pearson took me to some really neat places, some that i have overlooked, others that i didn't know existed. to start the evening off we went to this really petite coffee house, called veritas, in garden city and watched a few of her friends play some rather enjoyable music. there were some neat daniel johnston and wilco jams being played as well. and one of the performers daughters did one of the neatest dances i have seen in a while. i honestly watched her most of the show. i was secretly hoping that no one would catch me staring at her thinking i was a pedaphile. i just wanted to be able to dance like her, no worries, just dancing. if i ever perform live, i will dance a whole song imitating that little girl as best i can.

then we went to downtown and went for a small bite to eat at the red feather. this place is like a club from a movie. it was dimly lit, and had really neat lights. the vibe in the place was pretty interesting. i felt like i needed to be 21 to eat there, but i didn't...i don't think.

then to another small coffee shop that i didn't know about, but had this really delicious tea

so thank you kylee for a wonderful evening. and for being honest.